What to do with a heavy heart

There are some mornings, days, weeks when whilst everything in life seems fine and rosy, but your heart feels heavy, empty, and its hard to pinpoint exactly what the problem is!

Well, I had one of those mornings...I am so thankful for God's faithfulness in drawing me to his throne of grace every morning (5am every morning!), even when I know deep down I would much prefer to still be in bed!

I started off with my bible reading, I am reading through Matthew. I am up to the crucifixion, and as I was reading I was ashamed at myself for reading over it all with such indifference, without it really impacting my heart, that was until I got to the part where Peter denied Christ 3 times and went away and wept bitterly.

I knew I needed to be on my knees praying, and that I am just as guilty as Peter of denying Christ in my heart. There was so much inside of me that wanted to resist God, I know that He hasn't been 'enough' for me these past few days, and I needed to spend time before His throne of grace, humbly asking for Him become 'enough' for me.

While I was praying I remembered something that John Piper talked about on his When I don't desire God DVD, when his heart doesn't feel right before God.

It is 4 prayers, IOUS.

I - Incline my heart to Your testimonies. Psalm 119:36a

O - Open my eyes, that I may see wondrous things from Your law. Psalm 119:18

U - Unite my heart to fear Your name. Psalm 86:11

S - Satisfy us early with Your mercy that we may rejoice and be glad all our days. Psalm 90:14

I prayed through these this morning, and it didn't take long for my heart to start desiring God and recognise just how far my heart had been from Him these past few days.

Almost instantly that heaviness was gone, when I willingly turned my heart to Him and focused on Him and the cross, my burdens were lifted.

You will make known to me the path of life;

In Your presence is fullness of joy;

In Your right hand there are pleasures forever.

Psalm 16:11

Music for my soul

This morning I had an unexplainable heaviness in my heart. I was trying to fight off random negative thoughts and my tiredness was allowing them to have victory.

Even though I know deep down that only God can truly satisfy, it is so hard sometimes to come to Him.

But something within me drew me to put on some music, and within moments my downcast soul was lifted, amazingly, and overwhelmed by my wonderfully gracious, almighty God.

I bought the CD Valley of Vision - Songs of worship inspired by the classic book of Puritan Prayers, a few weeks ago, and it has been such a blessing to me. I love the way music can touch parts of my soul like nothing else can!

These are the words that turned me to Him.

In the Valley

When you lead me to the valley of vision
I can see you in the heights
And though my humbling wouldn't be my decision
It's here your glory shines so bright.
So let me learn that the cross precedes the crown
To be low is t o be high
That the valley's where You make me more like Christ.

Let me find Your grace in the valley
Let me find Your life in my death
Let me find Your joy in my sorrow
Your wealth in my need
That You're near with every breath.

In the daytime there are stars in the heavens
But they only shine at night
And the deeper that I go into darkness
The more I see their radiant light
So let me learn that my losses are my gain
To be broken is to heal
That the valley's where Your power is revealed.

The last verse is what got me, I love looking into the sky during the day amazed that the stars that we see so clearly at night are still there. The only reason we can see them at night is because of the darkness, and they shine so much brighter out in the country where there are not so many lights.

Just like in my moment of darkness, the wonders, grace and love of God shine so much brighter than during the daytime, when things are going well.

What should I really be longing for?

The past two weeks have been a bit of a whirlwind for me. I feel like life is rushing past me.

I am a person who likes order, control, times of rest....I long for the 'perfect life' where its easy to wake up early in the morning and spend time with God, where I can go for a peaceful, invigorating 20 minute walk as the sun rises, where the before school routine runs smoothly with an element of joy in the air, where I can leave my house clean, neat, ordered, where I am so organised that I have lots of extra time to sit and read and play and have fun with my husband and children....

I also want to be readily and happily available to the needs of my family, friends, neighbours, church, community, not overwhelmed with housework....

Is it wrong to long for this perfect life?

Wouldn't having these things work out for me make me more Christlike?

There's a huge part of me that thinks it would!

But what does God think, what does He want for my life?

I strongly believe He is sovereign and in control of everything that happens in my life, that He has a purpose for everything, that He works all things together for good for those who love Him and who are called by Him.

But it is so hard and such a test of my faith when my 'perfect life' gets 'interrupted'

by helping others and by misunderstandings,
by washing machines, vacuum cleaners and dishwashers breaking down,
by unexpected guests and meetings,
by sickness and financial pressures,
by the presence of snakes and demonic activity happening within metres of our home....

How is is possible to have my 'perfect life' and be able to do the things which supposedly make me more Christlike and peaceful when these things come into my life?

Reading the following from our latest book club book, What happens when women say yes to God - Experiencing God in extraordinary ways, by Lysa Terkeurst, helped me with my attitude towards all this.

There are some things God wants us to get settled in our heart. Do we want to chase after the world's emptiness instead of His fullness? Or do we want our lives to be characterised by perfect love instead of perfect performance? Many people halfheartedly claim to be Christians, believing that because we will never be perfect on this side of eternity we have an excuse to pursue that which pleases our human longings. Why not push the limits, live for the now, and worry about eternity later? The problem is that we miss the whole point of our existence, the very purpose for which we were created. God made us for the relationship of His perfect love. While we are not capable of perfect performance this side of eternity, we are capable of prefect love. We can settle in our hearts that we will choose God's love and the pursuit of a love relationship with Him above all else, not matter what comes our way.

After reading this I spent ages pondering the fact that I am capable of perfect love towards God. I can choose to love God with all my heart, no matter what comes my way. That's what I should long for (not my ideal of a perefct life), to love God, to choose to love Him no matter what happens, no matter what He allows to come my way. He wants my heart more than my good deeds, a heart that has chosen to trust Him completely even when it feels like everything is failing apart. Later in chapter Lysa writes,

Nothing in life is certain. Circumstances roll in and out like the ocean's tide. The unknown can sometimes seem so frightening as we ponder all the tragic possibilities that we know can and do happen to people. We catch ourselves wondering what the next page of life might hold. We can't stop or control the things that roll our way anymore than we can stop the water's edge. But we can make the minute by minute choice to let our souls rest in God.
"Rest knowing all is safe in My Hands. Rest is Trust. Ceaseless activity is distrust. Without the knowledge that I am working for you, you do not rest. Inaction then would be the outcome of despair. My hand is not shortened that it cannot save. Know that, repeat that, rely on it, welcome the knowledge, delight in it. Such a truth is as a hope flung to a drowning man. Every repetition of it is one pull nearer shore and safety."

So I am choosing to love and trust. I am choosing to not be overwhelmed by the lack of order, by my dysfunctional household appliances, by threats of snakes, mice and demons, by fears of broken friendships and misunderstandings....

Its in all these times that I truly learn to know and love God, that I understand more deeply and fully about the love of God, the sacrifice He made. I am thankful for all the overwhelming things that have happened int he past two weeks, for the whirlwind I feel like I am in, because it is drawing me so much deeper into the love of God, drawing me further into that place of complete trust and surrender, deeper into goodness and treasure of His Word.

Hope in God

Yesterday I got a taste of what my husband experiences as a Pastor!

Some days he comes home feeling drained, exhausted, downcast....

When you are involved in people's lives, for the sake of the gospel, you are a target.

You can expect to be misunderstood.

I don't know how he does it, I know I need to pray for him so much more, and for all the pastors and elders in our church, they carry such heavy burdens so much of the time.

I am so thankful for a God who can sympathise with us, who can lift our burdens, who truly answers prayer, who is enduringly faithful to His children.

I am so thankful that I can put my hope in God, and I am thankful for my husband who picked me up and cared for me yesterday.

So for all those out there who may be downcast, here is a verse for you.

" Why are you downcast, O my soul?
And why are you disquieted within me?

Hope in God.

For I shall yet praise Him,

The help of my countenance and my God."
Psalm 43:5

How do you show love to someone when they are suffering?

I have been asking myself that question today. There are people all around me, and one very close to me, who are suffering, physically, emotionally, spiritually.

My mother experienced extreme physical pain for a lot of my childhood and most of my teenage years, early marriage and early child bearing years. I often struggled to know how to show love her.

When someone is in pain, its impossible to really understand how they are feeling. Most people are good at hiding what they are going through, so sometimes we can walk right on by without any idea what they are suffering.

I have regrets about the way I showed love to my mother when she was alive. She suffered so much pain, that she felt bad to mention it. You could just see it in her face and body language.

I remember when I was in the early stages of my first pregnancy I tried to put myself in her shoes. While I was lying on the couch feeling fatigued, nauseated, useless, I would chat to her on the phone and realise this is how she feels almost all the time!

We watched Fireproof last night and what hit home to me about that movie was the only way the husband could love his wife was when he came to an understanding of Christ's love for him. The love of Christ is unconditional, unchanging, never failing, sacrificial. Christ's love fills us and enables us to love others because we are relying upon His love and strength not our own.

So I guess to be able to love others deeply, genuinely, as Christ loves them, I need to spend more time with Him, enthralling myself in His love and all that He is.

Coming back to my question, if you have ever suffered, or are suffering emotionally, physically, spiritually, what are some ways you need to be loved?

Are you longing for home?

I have just finished our book club book 'In light of eternity - Perspectives on Heaven' by Randy Alcorn. What a life changing book!

It has been so exciting to read about our real Home, the one God is preparing for us.

Alcorn writes, "Like a bride's dream of sharing a home with her groom, our love for heaven should be overflowing and contagious, just as our love for God should be (Revelation 19:7). Our passion for God and our passion for heaven should be inseparable. The more I learn about God, the more excited I get about heaven. The more I learn about heaven the more excited I get about God.

How it must wound the heart of our bridegroom to see us clinging to this roach-infested hovel called earth, dreading the thought of leaving it, when he has hand built a magnificent estate for us, a place beautiful and wondrous beyond measure."

When we are blown away by an amazing sunrise or sunset, or marvel at great mountains and canyons we can praise God and 'these will prove to be but rough sketches of heaven'.

When we enjoy a night of sincere Christian fellowship it's only a glimpse of the deep rich, fellowship we will experience in heaven for an eternity.

When we take a bite of a fresh home grown tomato and delight in it's sweetness it's only a small taste of the food we will one day feast on in our everlasting home.

When we participate in an uplifting time of worship with our fellow believers that too is only a glimpse of what our worship will be like when we worship Him face to face with the entire body of Christ.

This earth is not our home! I am so thankful for the foretastes and glimpses He gives us of what is to come, and the dissatisfaction of worldly possessions and experiences remind me that deep inside I am longing for another place. A place where our bridge groom will be and where there will be no more tears because there will be nothing to be sad about.

"We spend our lives longing for this person and this place. Just as people restlessly move from relationship to relationship seeking the person they were made for, they move from location to location seeking the place they were made for. Somewhere new and better. A bigger house. A different city. The suburbs. A new neighbourhood - safer, nicer, with better schools. That dream house in the country. That idyllic mountain chalet. That perfect beach cottage.

Think about it - we have the very answers the world is crying out for, yet our wrong views of God's person and God's place silence and distort our message. What a triumph for Satan that we would actually pass on to our churches, our children, and our world a dreary view of heaven - and by implication a dreary view of God. "

Our view of eternity impacts everything we think, desire, say and do.

What a comfort....
To know that God and His saints are watching, cheering, praying for us.

To know that one day we will be rewarded for sincere, humble faithfulness to Him.

To know that one day we will be reunited with our friends and family, we will meet the faithful saints of the past, matyrs from oppressed countries, and millions of unborn children who will be dancing around heaven.

To know that God is preparing a place for each of us, unique and individual to us (I can't wait to see how God has decorated mine just for me!)

To know that one day we will meet Him face to face and He will wipe away every tear from our eyes, no more pain, suffering, and our deepest longings will be met in that place.

The greatest weakness of the western church today is arguably our failure to think of the long tomorrow - to take seriously the reality that heaven is our home. Out of this springs our love affair with this world and our failure to live now in the light of eternity.

I have been challenged to live so much more in the light of eternity. All I do, think, desire, say, spend, do has an impact for eternity. So expect me to be talking a whole lot more about our eternal home!

At the end of the day all that we have, our spouse, our children, our family, our possessions, our freedom, could all be stripped away from us, but what lasts forever is our eternal place in Heaven, and our eternal relationship with God.

God wants us to long for that place, to dream of it, to look up into the clouds and imagine His return. Thoughts of heaven will most certainly give us a dissatisfaction with this world, but it should also stir up a sense of urgency to tell others of a God that wants to spend eternity with them.
I will finish with some questions I was challenged by.

How about you? Are you following the example of the saints by longing for heaven (Hebrews 11:13-16; 2 Corinthians 5:2)?

Are you cultivating a passion for God's place?

Is heaven and all it represents a central object of your attention?

Have you 'set your heart on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God' (Colossians 3:1)?

Is your heart's attention there, rather than on 'earthly things' (verse 2).

Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

The story of Aggie Hurst

I read this article article the other day written by Randy Alcorn.

I'd heard bits of this story before. A story of a young missionary couple who went to the Belgian Congo. After his wife died during child birth, he gave his baby away and returned home discouraged and angry at God.

Such an amazing story of how God used just one seed to reap a harvest.

Frustration with sin!

I have been frustrated with sin today!

There was an 'episode' this morning where I sinned, regretfully, and whilst I am so thankful for God's forgiveness, His death on the cross, the hope of eternal life....

I am still so frustrated that sin exists.

I know we are being conformed to the 'image of His Son' but we will never be perfect or like Him until we get to Heaven.

It feels like sin just gets in the way of doing what I should be doing for God!

But....obviously God has sovereignly allowed sin in this life, and I know that He does use 'all things for good', I have a long heavy puritan book all about that!

I just hate it when I sin.

A friend of mine reminded me a week ago, that if our children never saw us sin or saw our faults, and if we never had to apologise to them, and their opinion of us was that we are perfect, then as they get older and realise what life is all about, they would become disillusioned, they wont know how to deal with sin, because they haven't seen us deal with it.

It's one of the hardest things, to let my children see, my weaknesses and pride.

I need to rely so much more upon the grace of God to keep me from being a stumbling block to my children, and that He truly would use all things for good, that He would be the one who saves them, protects them and keeps them.... especially from the sin of their mother!

Reality check

Yesterday was a reality check day for me.

I was fighting with lies and thoughts in my mind which made me feel unloved. I should have seen it coming as we have just finished the book, "Lies Young Women believe". I felt attacked and struck down, but God in His great mercy allowed that time for me to take a reality check and examine my heart.

I am thankful for such a wonderful husband who, God sent to minister to me and serve me. But it wasn't until this morning after spending time with the Lord, that I realised how much I needed yesterday.

I needed to experience the victory, needed to examine my heart and confess, needed my husband to minister to me and to allow him to, needed this morning with God.

When I was feeling low, I even battled with the thought that God can't really make me happy, is He really out there, is He enough? I couldn't believe I was having those thoughts, I know the truth so well, but I pushed them out of my mind, and God sent along my husband to help me through!

Its so easy to get caught up in doing things, and if everything is all going well, there's a part of me that thinks I am doing OK and don't need God as much, but I am so thankful that He reminds me how much I need to surrender everything to Him, that when I am doing it in my strength I am doing it my way, not His!

This morning I reflected on this truth from the book I mentioned earlier.

When you want things to go YOUR way
Its not about me; it's all about Him (Colossians 1:116-18; Revelation 4:11)!
The world was not created to revolve around us. The entire universe was created to revolve around Christ. If our goal in life is to be happy or accepted or loved, than anything that threatens our well-being will be an enemy - an obstacle to fulfilling our objective. On the other hand, once we agree with God that we exist for His pleasure and glory, we can accept whatever comes into our lives as part of His sovereign will and purpose. We will not resent, resist, or reject the "hard things", but embrace them as "friends," designed by God to make us like Jesus and to bring glory to Himself.

I am thankful for this "friend" that God allowed to come into my life yesterday, it was a reminder about how much I need Him, and its all about Him.

Being thankful for bad days!

As I write this post tonight I am so aware of God's mercy, His sovereignty, His kindness, love, faithfulness, ..... The past few hours have been such a struggle to truly love my children unconditionally!

It is so hard sometimes to love them when little things they do can be so frustrating! I am so glad that God is in control of their lives, and that even if I make mistakes or lose it as a parent, He forgives me and can still use my mistakes and sin for good. It is comforting to know that "all things word together for good" (Romans 8:28).

I am such a perfectionist at heart and I have these dreams of living perfect days, walking closely with God, loving my husband, children and others unconditionally, sincerely and without hypocrisy, to be stress and anxiety free able to face any trial that comes my way with quietness and meekness of heart....but I know I am far from experiencing those days. That's why I am now basking in God's forgiveness, in awe of His amazing salvation, and I am so convinced that I can't do it on my own, I need to trust Him and acknowledge Him in all I do.

I can try as hard as I like to persuade my children into being saved, into being good all the time, into working hard and being nice to everyone they meet (and to their brothers and sisters!) but if God doesn't work in their hearts, then my work is in vain. As I was reminded yesterday by a friend, all we can do is pray for them...diligently pray for them, commit them into God's care and allow Him to do the work in their hearts.

I am learning to be thankful for bad days, because they remind me of my need for God, to earnestly call upon Him in my times of trouble. They cause me to stop, confess my sins (which are many) and acknowledge to Him my dependence and trust. God knows my heart and every desire I have for my children, I need to trust in Him to bring them to pass, not try and do things my way or in my own strength.

And....I am thankful for a new day tomorrow, and I can't wait for Heaven!

"Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed,
because His compassions fail not.
They are new every morning:
Great is Your faithfulness.
'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'Therefore I hope in Him!'.
Lamentations 3:22-24

We are never alone

Last night our 5 year old son reminded us of a wonderful truth. He was telling us how at Kindy he doesn't always play with his friends, sometimes he likes to play by himself, but

"I know I am never alone because God is always with me."

My husband and I looked at each other in shock! This is something he has meditated on and knows deep in his heart, that God is always with him.

When I pray for my children I almost always pray that they will know that God is with them, and that they will know that God loves them very much, no matter what they have done. It was very exciting to hear him put one of these amazing truths into practice, when he is at Kindy he is happy to play by himself, knowing that God is right there with him!

As my children get older I know that I can't be with them all the time, like I could when they were babies! They start to stay at friends houses for a few hours, then they start Kindy, then school, then one day they will be out there on their own.

When my first child started Kindy, I had to let her go willingly and with a heart that trusted God to take care of her. God is the one in control of their lives, not me!

It is my responsibility to teach them and remind them often that God is always with them, to help them have a relationship with Him so they can call upon Him for themselves in times of trouble.

I pray that our son and the rest of our children will always remember this truth, that God is always with them. So that in times of trouble, loneliness, temptation, fear, joy, sadness, suffering, or insecurity, they can call upon the name of the Lord and He will help them.

...For He Himself has said,
"I will never leave you nor forsake you."
So we may boldly say:

"The Lord is my helper:
I will not fear.
What can man do to me?" Hebrews 13:6

Time for some pruning!

Every branch that bears fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit. John 15:2b

On Friday our bible study was about pruning! We have been going through John 15, and this week we looked at how pruning is an act by the vinedresser to cut back to bear more fruit. Pruning may also be looked at as 'the testing of your faith'.

After this study I had a feeling that I was about to undergo some 'pruning'. Sure enough the next day not long after I had talked to my husband about how God prunes, the pruning started, in both of us! I was so thankful, straight away I was able to recognise it as a time of pruning, a test of our faith, to make us more Christlike, so that we can bear more fruit, for the glory of God! I must admit initially I felt crushed, hurt, somewhat angry, but once I realised that God was in control of it all, that He would use this time to prune us, I was able to relax and trust in Him.

I had to go to the shops, so took the time to listen to one of my favourite songs at the moment - Desert Song on the new Hillsong 'This is our God' cd.

This is my prayer in the desert, when all thats within me feels dry. This is my prayer in the hunger and need my God is the God who provides.

This is my prayer in the fire, in weakness or trial or pain. There is a faith proved of more worth than gold so refine me Lord through the flame.

I will bring praise, I will bring praise, no weapon formed against me shall remain I will rejoice, I will declare God is my victory and He is here.

This is my prayer in the battle when triumph is still on its way, I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ, so firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life. in every season, You are still God, I have a reason to sing I have a reason to worship.

This is my prayer in the harvest, when favour and providence flow, I know I'm filled to be emptied again, the seed I've received I will sow.


I love the second verse which reminded me that God refines us in the flame. I had the choice to rejoice that God is working on us and even though it may seem that God is distant, I know that He is so close and is holding us tightly in the fire. I also love the lines,

All of my life. in every season, You are still God, I have a reason to sing I have a reason to worship.

At church yesterday, whilst I was feeling glum, I had so much reason to sing and worship such an awesome God. The joy of Him is my strength. He never changes, and He is unconditionally loving. I am confident that God will work this situation for good (Romans 8:28).

Where does my help come from?

My husband preached today on Psalm 121:1-2. I was wanting to blog about these verses a few weeks ago, but after talking about it to my him, he was inspired to preach about it today!

So I held off blogging about it until now!

I will lift up my eyes to the mountains; from where shall my help come?
My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth. Psalm 121:1-2

I had one of those mornings a few weeks ago. It was my husband's day off, and he had been unwell, and unable to be an active part of our morning routine! I had slept in a bit (as I often do when its his day off!) and so we were pressed for time and I was getting frustrated and impatient at all that had to get done before school and kindy drop offs. I have to confess that I got annoyed at my husband, and felt that he wasn't helping me, that I had to do everything by myself! Well, as we got in the car it didn't take long for him to realise that I was grumpy, with him! He dropped me off to school with my daughter and then took the others to kindy, he would come back for me later. After I took my daughter to class I had about 10 minutes by myself waiting for my husband to come pick me up. I was feeling rather horrible inside, and then the words of Paslm 121 came into my head. This is one of my favourite Psalms and I love the way Sons of Korah sing it, the words and tune came into my head. Where does my help come from? I was angry at Henry because he wasn't helping me, but really, where does my help come from? Had I asked God to help me? I knew that Henry was not well, but still I was frustrated at his lack of help (mind you he was helping the best he could!). I needed to stop and ask God to help me, He is the only one who could help me, get everyone ready, to be able to help and serve my sick husband and to have a smile on my face through out it all! After a few minutes of pondering all of this waiting on the footpath outside the school, I lifted my eyes to the sky and reflected how the maker of heaven and earth is my Helper. He is the provider of all my help.

I have to admit that there are times when I delude myself into thinking that my life would be easier if my mother was still alive to help me, that if my husband was healthy all the time he could help me more, that if the older women in the church were more available they could help me..... Don't get me wrong, all of these things are wonderful sources of help, but God is my ultimate source of help, and He provides what I need, when I need it. I need to call upon Him first, and He will provide for all that I need.

I have needed to learn the lesson of asking for help over the years, and I am getting better at it, but I also need to learn to ask God first to help me, to allow Him to provide for me, and sometimes He helps by bringing a person into mind whom I can ask to help.

About a month ago, when my husband had the dreaded gastro bug, I had many wonderful people help me. I had called upon the Lord to be my Helper that day, and I saw Him provide for me. I made the decision not to rush out and ask people to help me. My husband needed me and there was a chance I might need to go to hospital with him, so having 3 less children would have been helpful. So I took my daughter to school and a friend offered to take 2 to the park - thank you Lord, I was left with the youngest who needed to go to bed. When I got home another friend called and offered to have 1 all day after the park and would even take him to swimming lessons that night - thank you Lord. I decided to ring a friend and ask her to pick the other 1 up and take her for the afternoon and I would pick her up at school pick up, she was happy to - thank you Lord!

As it turned out, my husband didn't need to go to hospital, he just slept for the rest of the day, and I had the rest of the day to myself, my youngest slept til lunchtime! In fact that was the day I was able to set up this blog!

God is so amazing when we call upon Him for help, He provides abundantly and in ways we don't expect, and all so that we will glorify Him. God wants to help us so we can give Him all the glory!

One of my other favourite verses if from Psalm 50:15

Call upon Me in the day of trouble;
I will deliver you, and you shall glorify Me.

And, God helps us even when we don't ask Him, as I was writing this post, I received some very practical help, which is so beyond my comprehension, this was something I had not asked Him for, but He knows my needs way better than I do! Thank you Lord, and thank you to my friend!

Are you more loving?

That was the question I had to confront myself with a few Sundays ago. My capacity to love others had been wearing thin and my love tank was almost empty! The past week or so I had been hiding out at home, not wanting to catch up with anyone, and one Sunday I escaped early from church to avoid having to fellowship with anyone! When I got home, I knew I had some inward issues to deal with so I forced myself to pick up one of the books I am reading, 10 questions to diagnose your spiritual health, by Donald S Whitney. I analysed each of the questions and realised that 4 out of the 10 relate to people! I was immediately drawn to read question no. 3 which is Are you more loving?. As I was reading this chapter, I started to feel immensely convicted. Heres a snippet.

The decline of love
When love grows colder, our sin increasingly manifests itself and we look more unlike Jesus. We lose patience easily, whereas 1 Corinthians 13:4 says that "Love suffers long." Unkindness becomes common, yet love "is kind". We become sinfully envious of the advantages and privileges of others, perhaps even of those within our own family; conversely, "love does not envy." When challenged about our lack of love, we quickly and quite confidently list all the sacrifices and other proofs of our love, and yet "love does not parade itself, is not puffed up." As our hearts harden against love, we become less courteous, especially to those closest to us, in contrast to love which "does not behave rudely" (1 Corinthians 13:5). We begin to consider ourselves and our "rights" as more important than others and their needs, whereas love "does not seek its own." When love is in decline we are more easily angered, but love "is not provoked." A lack of love is often faultfinding, and it mentally keeps score of offenses, but love "thinks no evil."

The word of God is so very convicting, so life changing! I had been struggling to give out anymore love, and yet when I examined my love in light of 1 Corinthians 13, I realised that it had been so full of self, so insincere. Love does not "seek its own" I had been seeking love in return, but God wants us to love selflessly, for His glory, not to get in return, not to puff ourselves up and get recognition. Whitney quotes from Maurice Roberts,

Why is real Christian love so scarce in the world? It is because its cultivation requires nothing less than the reversal of every instinct in our fallen natures. Love is against the grain of nature. It is every fiber of our being as sinners. But nature, in the regenerate, is under the higher power of grace....What the unregenertae cannot do, true Christians may and must.

Whitney exhorts us to Let your heart be often warmed by the fire of God's love. It always comes back to Him. To the cross. As a disciple of Jesus Christ I must constantly examine my love for His sake, for the eternal destiny of others. Jesus said that love is the clearest mark of a Christian.

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you. By this all will know that you are my disciples if you have love for one another. John 13:34-35

God is the only one who can fill my love tank way past the fill line!

Just in case you are curious about what the other 9 questions to diagnose your spiritual health are, here they are!

1. Do you thirst for God?
2. Are you governed increasingly by God's word?
3. Are you more loving?
4. Are you more sensitive to God's presence?
5. Do you have a growing concern for the spiritual and temporal needs of others?
6. Do you delight in the bride of Christ?
7. Are the spiritual disciplines increasingly more important to you?
8. Do you still grieve over sin?
9. Are you a quick forgiver?
10. Do you yearn for heaven and to be with Jesus?

Delighting in my children

There are times when I wonder if my life would be easier if I only had 1 or 2 children! I sometimes get envious or people who have 2 children and I covet all the time they probably get to spend with each of their children individually. Those times when I lie down on the couch to have a cuddle and read a book with 1 child, then as soon as the others see my lying down they come running over and crawl all over me looking for a spot to squeeze into. Those times when I am pushing 1 child on a swing and delighting in their smiles and laughter, and then the other 3 hop onto the adjoining swings and plead to be swung as well.

To be honest, I often have to force myself to enjoy their company. To not begrude their presence, especially when they start quarreling and whining! But, when I start thinking like this I have to redirect my thoughts and turn them into praise and thanks to God for giving me my 4 wonderful children. I think about all the wonderful blessings there are in having 4 children. I love watching them chase each other, cuddling each other, helping each other, being kind to each other, laughing together, conversing with each other, praying together.

Yesterday I had the opportunity to spend a whole morning with my 3 child. It was such a delight, we fed the ducks, played on the playground, and painted together. It was wonderful to be able to focus just on her, to give my full attention to her, to walk at her pace, go where she wanted to go, without having to keep my eyes on 2 or 3 others in my care! All throughout my time with her I was thinking about how much God delights in us spending time with Him. Even though my 3rd child is with me all throughout my day, I don’t get to interact with her intimately very often because my attention is spread around on other children and tasks before me. That is why I need to set aside time each day to sit with her, to cuddle her, to enjoy her, to find out more about her. If I don’t do this with each of my children, they may start to feel unloved, distant from me, even though I am right there with them all the day. In the same way I know that God is with me all throughout my day, I talk to Him, think about Him, but how often do I actually sit down and spend time with Him, talking to Him, allowing Him to talk with me, to learn more about Him. If I don’t do this He won’t love me any less because His love never changes, His love is unconditional, but I will start to feel less in love with Him. I will start to feel distant from Him. While reading “Communion with God” by the Puritan Pastor John Owen, I came across these thoughts about God’s love.

“…God’s love is like the sun, always the same, always the same in its light, though a cloud may sometimes hide it. Our love is like the moon. Sometimes it is full. Sometimes it is only a thin crescemt.

The love of the Father is the same for all whom He has chosen to love. Whom God loves He loves to the end, and He loves them all alike. On whom He sets His love, it is set for ever. God’s love does not grow to eternity or lessen in time. God’s love is an eternal love that had no beginning and that shall have no end. It is a love that cannot be increased by anything we do and that cannot be lessened by anything in us.”

When I think about how hard it is sometimes to show love to my children, to spend time with them individually, to delight in their company and in the things they do, I realised how truly amazing God is in the way He loves so many of us in such an intimate way, all at the same time! I love it when all of us are together, when we have fun together, when we go out together, go to church together, and part of my loving being together is cultivated through spending time with each member of my family individually (my husband included). Imagine how much it must delight God to see His family spending time with each other, when we pray together, when we do good works for each other, when we encourage and exhort each other when we are in church rejoicing in Him together.

John Owen says later in his book,

“Christ refreshes himself with his own graces in his people, by his Spirit which he has given them. The Lord Christ greatly delights in the sweet fruits of the Spirit in his saints.”

I find it truly amazing that God should delight in me??! I am so thankful for the love of God,

Give thanks to the Lord for He is good! His faithful love endures forever. Psalm 136:1