How do you enjoy your family and the ministry?

Over a year ago, my husband asked Randy Alcorn this question on his blog under his question and answer of the week.



I’m a full-time youth pastor with four beautiful kids and an incredibly supportive wife. It is so hard to juggle ministry and family and do it well. As someone who has reached the other side, and now with grandkids, does it get easier? How did you find the energy and time to really enjoy the kids AND the ministry?



He wrote back an answer on my husband's blog, and just a couple of weeks ago, he used that same question and elaborated more on his answer.



Here is a link to the post.



We found his answer very helpful.

What to do with a heavy heart

There are some mornings, days, weeks when whilst everything in life seems fine and rosy, but your heart feels heavy, empty, and its hard to pinpoint exactly what the problem is!

Well, I had one of those mornings...I am so thankful for God's faithfulness in drawing me to his throne of grace every morning (5am every morning!), even when I know deep down I would much prefer to still be in bed!

I started off with my bible reading, I am reading through Matthew. I am up to the crucifixion, and as I was reading I was ashamed at myself for reading over it all with such indifference, without it really impacting my heart, that was until I got to the part where Peter denied Christ 3 times and went away and wept bitterly.

I knew I needed to be on my knees praying, and that I am just as guilty as Peter of denying Christ in my heart. There was so much inside of me that wanted to resist God, I know that He hasn't been 'enough' for me these past few days, and I needed to spend time before His throne of grace, humbly asking for Him become 'enough' for me.

While I was praying I remembered something that John Piper talked about on his When I don't desire God DVD, when his heart doesn't feel right before God.

It is 4 prayers, IOUS.

I - Incline my heart to Your testimonies. Psalm 119:36a

O - Open my eyes, that I may see wondrous things from Your law. Psalm 119:18

U - Unite my heart to fear Your name. Psalm 86:11

S - Satisfy us early with Your mercy that we may rejoice and be glad all our days. Psalm 90:14

I prayed through these this morning, and it didn't take long for my heart to start desiring God and recognise just how far my heart had been from Him these past few days.

Almost instantly that heaviness was gone, when I willingly turned my heart to Him and focused on Him and the cross, my burdens were lifted.

You will make known to me the path of life;

In Your presence is fullness of joy;

In Your right hand there are pleasures forever.

Psalm 16:11

Our plans to leave the country!

So my husband announced last Sunday to our church of our intentions to pull aside from full time ministry and study full time for 3 - 4 years. Over the past year his desire to study and know the Word more has grown and our dream of going back into study for a period of time started to become a reality!

We were married 11 years ago last month, and we have been involved in full time ministry our whole marriage. And after 11 years, my we are certain we don't want to be doing anything else with our lives (ie. secular work) but we are feeling overwhelmed with the responsibilities of full time ministry and are seeking to be better equipped to withstand the coming 20 or so years more of ministry!

So what that all means for us is that we are applying to colleges in the USA because the options for study appear to be more appealing and suited to our needs and desires. We have considered options in Australia and a few other countries, but we feel more led to the USA at the moment.

For me, I have always wanted to live in another country for a reasonably long period of time. The thought of never living anywhere else except Australia is quite stifling for me. God has made this amazing world and I want to see and experience so much more of it!

These are some of the things I am looking forward to.

- The challenges of packing up and leaving the city I have lived in for the past 34 years

- The opportunity to be completely dependant on God for provision of everything

- The opportunity to home school our 4 children for 4 years

- Taking almost nothing with us and starting out new in a completely different country

- The opportunity to experience a different church

- The opportunity to meet many new people

- The opportunity to learn, from what my husband is studying and by being involved with the college we will attend

- The opportunity for all of us to depend upon each other, and God, as we will be away from the familiarity of family and friends

....and there are so many more things I could list!

People ask me if I feel overwhelmed by everything, and my response is, if I think about it too much I do! But I have chosen to not be overwhelmed by it all, to just take things one step at a time, one day at a time, to wait patiently upon the Lord to guide and provide for us.

God's will for me this day is to love Him with all of my heart, soul and mind, to love my husband and children, and to love others, I try not to get too caught up in the tomorrows!

We would appreciate your prayers for us over the next 8 months, as you can imagine there is so much to plan and organise.

I can't naturally 'love my children'!

I think a lot of people know that I have never naturally been drawn to babies and kids, not like I was towards animals...!

The first time I ever really held a baby, changed a baby, dressed a baby, was when my first daughter was born. It's not that I didn't like babies or kids, I was just never really around them much to be able to gain a love, and appreciation for them!

So something that I pray, almost every day, is that God would help me to love my children, because it doesn't come naturally for me.

I have been mulling over Titus 2:4-5 a lot lately,

"that they(the older women) admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, ⁵ to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed."

I came across these messages by Carolyn Mahaney the other day, I listened to the one on Loving my children. She reminded me that the love referred to in this verse is an uncommon love.

Her book, Feminine Appeal is a follow up of these messages, and she writes about this love.

...Yet it's in the midst of the trials and challenges of motherhood that the command comes to love our children. Once again the Greek word phileo is used to describe the kind of love we are to show. As with our husbands, we are to love our children with a tender, affectionate and passionate love.

Although many mothers are committed to caring sacrificially for their children, they sometimes neglect to enjoy them. They fulfill the responsibilities of motherhood but overlook the pleasures. I have often erred in this way myself.

Now it is noble to be faithful to the task of serving our children. But Titus 2 calls us to something more (and definitely not less) than a sacrificial and dutiful love. We are to delight in our children.

I know that the only way I can truly love and delight in my children is if I spend time loving and delighting in God. They received the overflow I received from Him, and I know that the love I show them is sincere, genuine because it comes from His grace, His strength, His Spirit at work in me.

When we are going it alone

I came across this post today and it was so encouraging for me. It is called "Going it alone", she describes a time at a church picnic when her husband was busy and not with her, and she felt like her time at the hot church picnic with two small children was a waste because she interacted with only one other person, and in general it was plain hard work!

I have been in the same situation Janelle described in her post many many times before! It was so uplifting to read about someone else who also feels the same way, and to realise that there are good reasons for sometimes "going it alone".

This is a part of the post.

Why did I even go? I wondered to myself later that afternoon. I didn’t have any profound ministry moments or evangelistic opportunities. The one guest I spoke to probably doesn’t remember our conversation. The church members we sat with at lunch are probably still laughing at us. Was that all just a grand waste of time?

No. When I stopped to think about it, many good reasons for "going it alone" at the church picnic came to mind. Here are three:

1. “Going it alone” shows my kids I love the church. It proves Daddy and Mommy really mean it when we tell them: “Sunday is the most important day of the week” and that’s true for all of us, not just Daddy. It shows them what it looks like to be committed to the church even when it is not convenient or easy. Sure, they may not understand that lesson now, but someday, by God’s grace, they will.

2. “Going it alone” shows the church I love the church. Whether we’re aware of it, or not, people are watching us. They notice when we attend and when we don’t. (Actually, sometimes, when my kids are screaming, they can’t help but notice I’m in attendance!) But simply by showing up at a picnic, the Sunday morning meeting, or any other church event, I am showing the people in the church that I care about them and that I want to be with them, even when it isn’t easy. And hopefully I’m encouraging them, (with actions, if not with words) to love the church too.

3. “Going it alone” shows I believe God is at work. God is always at work in the church! He’s always up to stuff—conforming us all to be more like His Son, building us together in unity, using our lives to display the gospel and using our words to preach the gospel. If I truly believe this then I’ll go expecting God to work, even through an overwhelmed mom with two crying, hungry children (and no sunscreen!).I may not have thought anything profound took place at that picnic. But I may be surprised one day to learn that God was using me in ways I had no idea. So, was going it alone all a grand waste of time? Not a bit!

I totally agree to each of these 3 points, and this verse came to my mind after reading them.

"And let us not grow weary while doing good,

for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart."

Galatians 6:9

Todays mercies for todays troubles - don't worry about tomorrow!

There have been days of late when I have been desperately dependant upon the God's strength each moment of each day. I have learned over the past few years to not look too far ahead, to live each day as it comes.

This year has been a particularly busy one. I spent 3 weeks at the beginning of the year mulling over a timetable of my weeks, I tried to find a spot for all the things I had to do, places I had to go, and people to see. But each time I went to slot something in, I had to stop, I disliked the idea of writing anything down. The thought of having a full week, made me feel horrible, so I ended up throwing the timetable out and proceeded to live each day as it came!

The lessons I have been learning this year have caused me to be so much more dependant upon God, to humble myself before him in every area of my life, and to be so much more desperate for His glory in all that I do.

Here's something I read in a sermon I came across just this morning.

The Christan's secret to dealing with trouble

There is a secret to the Christian life here that I want you to get a handle on. If you don't - you do on desperately needing to feel today the strength for tomorrow, then is seems to me that either you will cave in under the pressure of excessive anxieties, or you will find a worldly strategy for developing immense ego strength and persuade yourself the you really are sufficient for tomorrow's troubles.

Neither of those is God's way. God's way is summed up in two passages of scripture. One is Matthew 6:24,

"Do not be anxious for tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself.
Each day has enough trouble of its own."

The other text is Lamentations 3:22-23,

"Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed,
because His compassion's fail not.
They are new every morning;
Great is your faithfulness."

This has been such a timely reminder for me, that 'this is the day that the Lord has made, to rejoice and be glad in it.' Not to rejoice in yesterday, or tomorrow, but TODAY!

...As your days, so shall your strength be.

Deuteronomy 34:25b

At home and not happy

I was reading a letter written into a secular magazine. It's from a father responding to an article called 'At Home and Not Happy'. I haven't read the article, but the father's response to the article was very interesting.

I read it to my husband and he could relate somewhat to the father. There have definitely been times as a mother of young children when I have resented my husband for leaving me 'stuck' at home to go to work, meetings, the occasional night out with friends.

It took me a couple of years of having children before I realised how I had placed so much expectation on my husband regarding his reponsibilities as a husband, and father.

Now having read this article it has made me realise what a devastating effect a little resentment or 'poor me' attitude can have upon a father.

Here are a few excerpts from the letter.

The words (At home and not happy) could have come directly from my wife - the same resentment and anger about being stuck at home with small children. All very understandable and explainable. There is however, another party involved: the husband and the situation impacts on him, too, particularly when his wife is so unhappy.

When our second child was born, my wife became steadily more resentful towards me. If I went away on a business trip, it was labelled a "junket" or a "holiday". Being late home from work was greeted with a frosty atmosphere. Needing time on my own (a common need for males) was tantamount to declaration of war. ....House tasks were done by her before I'd even noticed they needed to be done, then I was resented for not doing them. The tension increased steadily, and I started drinking readily to escape. I was told most days about my lack of contribution, about how easy my life was in comparison to hers, about my ever growing list of inadequacies.

One day after about 3 years all of a sudden I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't stand the tension, the bitterness and resentment and the constant psychological attacks. So I walked out to save my sanity and remaining semblance of self respect. Our marriage ended on that day, despite subsequent attempts to renegotiate behaviours.

I've since re partnered...My partner doesn't demand all the time, so I give willingly. If she wants me to do something, she just asks, and she doesn't expect me to drop everything and do it immediately. She treats me with respect and I love and respect her for that

...Deciding you don't like it after the fact (having kids) and taking out that anger on your 'significant other' is a great recipe for destroying your relationship. The pattern of blaming males is particularly destructive. Men tend to initially avoid the problem, which makes it worse. Then they get down and depressed. Then if pushed too far, they will eventually seek to escape- through alcohol, drugs, going on trips, having affairs or leaving their partner permanently..

...So my advice to those unhappy stay at home parents - male or female- is to mentally reframe your situation in a more positive light, and stop thinking its all about you. Don't fall into the trap of seeing yourself as a victim and lashing out at those around you...

...And don't forget your partner - people respond better to carrots than sticks, and bitter words from someone you love is far worse than a stick. Love needs kind words and actions to survive and grow, or it slowly dies and fades away.

This letter reminded me how much I need to respect my husband and be thankful and appreciative of all that he does for our family. It is so important to focus on the positive and not get sucked in to a 'poor me' attitude.

...and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. Ephesians 5:33

Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

Hebrews 4:6