Confessions of a mother

Sometimes when I read other people's blogs I come away feeling discouraged and inward focused. I realise its because I am falling into the trap of comparing myself with others, and finding that I don't match up, or I fail in a particular area. I am slowly learning to deal with those kinds of thoughts quickly, to take them captive and send them away, but sometimes they linger and it takes me a while to wake up and fight them off with thoughts that are true, noble, pure, of God.

In light of these feelings I have felt compelled to write a post about some of the things I struggle with in life, not so everyone out there can feel sorry for me, because I know that everyone has their own struggles, but so that maybe others can relate to me and see that they might not be the only one who struggles with certain things.

So here are some of my confessions!

Some of you already know that I naturally am not drawn to kids. I struggle to play and interact with them, I am much more task orientated and shamefully sometimes find more fulfillment in completing a job then playing blocks with my kids. So I have to pray often for God to help me to enjoy them and to want to play with them.

I feel guilty each time I use the television as a babysitter. While there are sometimes when I am genuinely happy to let them watch a movie, handpicked by me, there are often times when its so much easier for me just to sit them down in front of the TV to watch something just to calm them down or to distract them from asking me multitudes of questions. I do limit their viewing time, but I struggle with the guilt of letting them watch something, I feel like I am giving in and should be doing something constructive and bonding with them!

The days sometimes pass me by so quickly and I feel like I haven't spent enough time playing, talking, cuddling, appreciating the blessings God has given me. I find it hard to balance all that needs to be done in a day, washing, cleaning, tidying, meals, on top of devotions, quality time with my husband and children. I must admit that my devotions are a priority for me each day, because its the only time I know I will have time alone, generally uninterrupted, and I know that its the time God will help me prepare for the day. But even so, its hard to balance everything, to trust fully in God to lead me and equip me for all the day holds!

I often have to fight off the temptations to compare myself to other mothers, their children and their family lives. On a good day I am often inspired by others to try things differently and learn more if they seem to be succeeding, but on a bad day I fall easily into feeling discouraged and like a failure if I don't do the same or if my children don't appear to measure up. I am so thankful though for the Holy Spirit and for the way He brings me back to the truth, discouragement always eventually leads me back to God to see things from His perspective!

Sometimes when my children fight with each other or show attitude or rudeness to me or others, I get disappointed with them, and am tempted to allow my love towards them to become conditional. I have to remember that they are children, and God has given me the responsibility to lead and teach them, I need to see their weaknesses and failures as an opportunity to show them the right way to go, and to show them the love of God which is forgiving, unconditional and so gracious!

I often feel like I don't teach my children enough about our awesome God. I battle with feelings of guilt that I don't spend enough time reading to them and teaching them about God. I do love it so much when we have devotions together and they are responsive and eager to learn, but it is so hard when they are little and easily distracted. I know the best thing to show them is my living example and devotion to God, my passion and love for God will overflow into their lives. I know I need to pray for more opportunities and for the desire to talk with them along the way about a God who loves them deeply.

I find it hard to truly put my husband before my children. Practically their needs seem to dominate his, but I know its all about my attitude, I need to be willing to serve him, to make it clear to him that he is before them!

Well, there are some of my confessions, of course there are many more, but I don't want this to become a negative post, I just pray that some of what I shared might encourage others out there who struggle with the same things or for those who are doing well in these areas.

It is helpful for me to write these things down and share them with everyone out there as it keeps me accountable and helps me acknowledge my weaknesses before God.

I am so thankful to God for the way He keeps me and leads me and in His time, helps me to overcome my weaknesses, and He uses them to lead me back to dependance on Him alone!