The myth of quality time

I came across an article I had cut out from Adelaide's Child several years ago, it is titled, 'The myth of quality time'. I was so glad to read it over again, it was a good reminder about how I should be spending time with my children. Here are a few snippets from it.

'....Time has become one of the most precious of our commodities, and as with everything that is precious, we guard it fiercely - even when it comes to relationships with the people closest to us.

When we have so little of it, how can we contemplate wasting time? And yet this is exactly what relationships need: the simple wasting of time together, the going nothing in particular, the hanging around, the sitting nearby. It can be a difficult notion to grasp and to put it into action at a time when we emphasise the importance of 'outcomes' and 'goals'. Who wants to know about the significance of quantity time - unstructured, open-ended, uncontrolled - when every moment counts most urgently?

Enter quality time. When it was introduced and promoted as an opportunity for busy parents to spend time with their children, it was embraced without question Here was a publicly sanctioned way to give relationships focused attention by scheduling 'special' time. The idea was that programming 'quality time' with those closest to you could show you cared, however little time you had for them the rest of the week.

As it turns out, quality time is not all its cracked up to be. It can be no more than a rationalisation for not spending enough time with the people we love and who need us.

Our lives have become so compartmentalised that even caring for others is being slotted into a timetable, sandwiched in between the thousand and one other things that clamour for our attention.

The reality is that there are times when designating time together is a good idea. When life is particularly demanding and we're feeling stretched and frayed, then we may need to consciously arrange a period of time with the people we love. But to make a habit of scheduling time with them is to fall into the 'quality time trap'.

It's a trap because it can fool you into thinking you are attending to your children's needs when you aren't at all. Most people believe that quality time requires an intense interaction, and parents usually feel that they have achieved something by the end of the scheduled interval.

I must admit that I have fallen into this 'quality time trap' often. Not only do I do it with my children, but also God, my husband, my family and friends. I am a very purposeful person and I find it hard to just 'waste time' with my husband and children.

I have to change my way of thinking and not see it as wasted time - although it is wasted if I have begrudged the time together and not made the effort to enjoy it and delight in my family.

When I see that we have a spare weekend, sometime I think what exciting thing can we do together, go to the movies, a big park 2 hours away, down to the beach.... those things are great, and fun, but I need to remember that sometimes its just ok to hang out at home together, play cricket in the backyard, snuggle together and read books, bake cookies and share them with our neighbours, go for a walk to the park just down the road!

',,,,The value of just being together and not doing much at all remains unrecognised as we rush obsessively towards reaching goals and amassing achievements. Think about it. How prepared are you to admit to someone, anyone, that you did 'nothing much' with your child over the weekend? As more than one parent commented to me, "I feel like a lazy mother/father if I don't do all sorts of different things with my child to keep them stimulated and involved...'

....'Children simply need a lot of contact time with their parents, but not necessarily a lot of direct attention'....Notice how a little child will often protest if you move away while they play, even though you are not involved in their activity.

The reality if that children do need to come and go, to potter here and there, to experiment with this and that - and all the while they need to know that someone who cares about them is nearby.

....Every child needs special one-on-one interaction with their parents. Whether you call it 'quality time' is another matter, because I would like to think that most time, when its given freely and with an open heart, its quality time.

Apart from such focused time together, children also need plenty of unstructured and informal time, when the true relationship is deepened. It's when people who care for each other work alongside and around, but not necessarily with, each other in an intense way. This is the process that breeds independence and teaches the joys of genuine companionship.

This finding of article again was very timely for me. Last week we had a lot of time together, hanging out in the garden. Because I was in the gardening mood (inspired by the awesome Spring weather) my kids were right alongside, digging in the dirt, helping watering, playing with caterpillars and worms. I didn't have to entertain them, or play in with their games, they were content and very happy to play right alongside me, just because I was there with them, not inside somewhere out of their view.

Last week I was thinking lots about heaven, in particular how wonderful its going to be to be able to just 'hang out' with friends, family, people I haven't seen for ages. I know we need to redeem the time here on earth, but often that may involve 'wasting time' together with our children, just being there, but talking, modeling, training along the way. That's how God wants us to tell our children about Him and His word, '...talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.' (Deuteronomy 6:6-7)